- What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
- After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.
- I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
- My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. “That's my stepladder,” he said. "I never knew my real ladder.”
- What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.
- Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
- I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the purple!
- My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
- How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moos-paper.
- What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
- I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
- Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
- Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
- What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.